Setbacks

I was right. The scale WAS lying to me. I had a routine check up at the doctor's office and their scale showed me 5 pounds heavier. I went to my parents scale...5 pounds heavier. Mine? 5 pounds lighter.

Instant discouragement.

Yes, I have lost weight since my scale has been reading less, but now I have further to go and more to lose than I originally thought. Seeing those old familiar numbers at the office virtually erased any progress I felt I had made. I know I have lost weight, but I have also lost motivation.

I haven't counted calories for the past few days. And it's too hot to exercise or be inspired to move at all.

At this moment, I can't conjure up any inspiration or desire to continue.

I usually end on a positive note, but I just can't bring it out today. And that can be part of this struggle. Some days...ZERO motivation.

I am not going to freak out and resort back to my old habits. I think I am just idling right now...waiting for a green light and desire to hit the accelerator again.

For right now? I am just sitting in traffic...without A/C.

Color Me Not

"BeBeBeBeeeep. BeBeBeBeeeep."

5:15 am.

Time to eat breakfast. It's the morning of my much anticipated Color Vibe 5k. I eat breakfast early and go back to sleep before a run because I tend to get really bad side cramps and nausea if I eat too close to running. The race starts at 9 am, so now is a good time to eat a healthy, fuel injected breakfast. I ate a banana and some strawberry oatmeal. I had 2 slices of turkey lunch meat for some protein and 1.5 glasses of water before going back to sleep before real wake up time.

7:00 am. Both Matthew and my alarms go off at the same time. It's time! Time for race day!

We get ready and are out the door a little later than intended...but still on track to get to the race at 8:30 am. My friend has my running packet at the race, so I will meet up with her and hang out until it all begins.

We have an uneventful drive up and exit the freeway at 8:26 am. 2 minutes from Bellevue College where it will be held.

Brake lights.

We come to a complete stop on the off ramp. We literally are inching along with no end in site. We take a right and hope to get around some of the traffic. This helps, but all of the streets leading to the college are completely jammed. As we get closer and closer to start time, I get more panicked. I call my friend and ask her to leave my packet at a booth to pick up so she can start the race. We are so close, yet so far. It's 8:56 am...and worst of all....

I have to pee. SOOO bad. I am in tears. Finally, I leave all of my things with Matthew and hop out of the car while he waits in line to enter the parking lot. I walk with a large crowd across the entire campus to the starting line. I pick up my packet and put my race shirt over the other 2 shirts I had on (since I intended to take one off and give to Matthew, but couldn't with our change of plans.) I use the port-a-potty and then wait by myself for the race to start.

All by myself in a crowd of 3,000.

I left my phone with Matthew so I have no one to call and can't find anyone in the packed crowd. I am okay waiting by myself for a few moments. Unfortunately, they postponed the start time due to the horrible traffic. So I waited until 9:30 am when they released the first wave. Then five minutes would pass and another wave would go. I was wave six, so I did not start until about 10 am. (Side note, I have an important family event to go to at 11 am, which I thought would be no big deal with a start time of 9 am. But 10 am? Uh-Oh...)

Here we go! They throw some color on at the beginning and I am excited for the first kilometer when yellow will be thrown on me. I wave bye to Matthew as I pass. I am running uphill but keep a steady pace. I keep going, on to a long downhill. I should be near the first kilometer by now, right? Around a corner and through a path. People are skipping the hills and walking in front of me. I slowly jog on the grass since my goal is to not walk at all. Down another loop and a couple of hills, through the parking lot and I am so mad that I haven't reached the first kilometer. I am tired and ready to quit when someone yells, "how far are we?" to which a race official says "you're two thirds of the way there! Good job!"

"Excuse me?" I think to myself. "Where are the color stations where they throw color each kilometer so you know how far you have gone? I am almost done? This is NOT what I signed up for!" All this is going through my head as I slow to a pathetic jog behind two kids texting while walking on the narrow path.

I keep running and think to myself, "I am soo mad right now. No one is taking this seriously. And I want color thrown on me! I hate running. I am never running a race ever again."

I hear the crowd and I speed up. I pass Matthew and sprint down to the grass. Some color gets thrown on me and I run into a crowd.

"Am I done? Where's the finish line?" I look up and see I have passed a flag that says "finish" although there was no ceremony or even line in the grass to confirm my observation. I go to get my finishing snack....which there are none. I grab a water bottle and head up to Matthew. I said, "let's go."

He said I made good time (for me) and was probably around 32-33 minutes, but it wasn't officially timed so I will never know.

I rewarded myself with some chocolate milk I brought...which was sooo good. I told Matthew, "That milk made the race worthwhile."

We then raced off to my event that started at 11 am and got there at 11:30 am, which ended up being perfectly fine. Phew!

So needless to say, I was disappointed. And maybe I was spoiled since my first race was Seattle's Seafair race...which is the epitome of well run races.

In regards to this race, I accomplished my goal: I ran and did not walk any of the race.

After the endorphins kicked in and I had some chocolate milk in me, things started to look better and I became inspired....

Inspired to attempt a 10k.

So I got a little color thrown on me, a good workout, and some inspiration.

Not bad after all, eh?

So I will take a week off from running and refocus, and then...

10k, here I come!

Cravings

My issue lately has been cravings. I had a dream last night that I was on an adventure. I was searching high and low and was driven by a deep passion. I finally found what I was looking for. I looked around to make sure no one could see me...and I took one, because one is all I wanted. I took one, large....






Wait for it....













Potato chip.

And as I crunched into it, my husband walked in and I acted like I wasn't eating anything because I wasn't going to count it in my calories.

How depressing is that? Maybe it is a sign that I need to chill out. Or maybe it is just part of breaking the habit and changing to healthier foods.

Today I had a craving for macaroni and cheese (which I never really eat). It was after dinner and I had 200 calories left over. I wanted a single serving of creamy, cheesy, cheese and macaroni. I searched all over pinterest and narrowed it down, until I saw that a little serving was 370 calories. I instead settled for a couple of cinnamon graham crackers and began writing this post to distract me from further cravings.

Sometimes I am amazed that I have made any progress at all. I haven't been able to exercise since that 3.4 miler last week because I got sick. I also have indulged on a scoop of ice cream one day and white bread another day. So when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was SURE the number would be back to where I started originally. So I was surprised when I found out I was still on track and the scale was showing I have lost a total of 7 pounds! I stepped on the scale a couple times because I thought it may have been lying to me because it felt sorry for me. Even if it is lying, it means I am about halfway to my goal! It has been a steady process and fraught with temptations and difficulties...but I think I am overall making better choices.  I just need to exercise more and be motivated in that area.

Speaking of which, Saturday is my Color Vibe run in Bellevue! I am going to do a short, easy run tomorrow so my "legs remember what to do", as a running coach told me. If you are awake at 9am on Saturday, say a quick prayer for me! Thank you in advance and I will of course have pictures!

Get in the Groove

I did it. I have been running 2-3 times a week to try and build up to 3.1 miles, a 5k. I have the Color Vibe run in 2 weeks and I am exhausted after 2 miles. But Mother's Day, Matthew and I went running along a trail and I was tricked by the distance. I got into this groove where my legs kept moving and I couldn't go faster or slower, even if I tried. One foot in front of the other. I thought I was running about 3 miles, but it ended up being 3.46! So I CAN do it, because I just did. I love getting in the groove and just focusing on breathing while your body coasts (tired coasting that is). Matthew was encouraging me most of the way...then after a few moments of silence I said, "I CAN do this!" It was amazing to be able to believe in myself, knowing that I COULD and I WOULD finish.

Look at me flying! (Not really, just my hair. And poor arm form, I am working on it)

I have also been doing some weight lifting a couple times a week. I learned my lesson to NOT do full body weight lifting all in one day. That leaves no limbs or muscles left that are capable of walking and keeping one upright. So I split it up by arms and abs one day, and legs, back and shoulders, or some combination like that, on another day. It is easier to continue with activities of daily living when half of your muscles don't hate you.

I have been doing better with my caloric intake with my increase in exercising. I can eat more, err...not go over at least like I tend to do. I have also noticed that my cereal lasts me a lot longer, since I have been measuring out my portions. I can eat my favorite cereals for a week rather than a couple days. It's fun!

I also am seeing progress. I have lost 5 pounds since starting this whole thing. Slowly but surely I am getting there. I know it will probably get harder and I will have to increase my physical activity, but at least I am making lifestyle changes that are visibly making a difference. I also have more energy and am proud of myself when I make the right choices. I CAN do this! The hardest part was getting started, and finding someone who can keep me accountable and encourage me not to give up. For me, it's my husband. He is always willing to run and workout with me, I NEVER have to convince him. He's my favorite. Who will keep you accountable? Find someone, because it will be so rewarding!

Quitting

"I quit!" I said as I sobbed to Matthew late Saturday night.

Earlier that evening we went on a super fun double date out to Red Robin and "Life of Pi" in 3D at the cheap movie theater. It was totally fun, except for the food surprise at Red Robin. Matthew and I always share the fresh hummus platter and a burger. We ordered a smaller burger in order to cut back calories. It was delicious and a good choice. However, the hummus platter with roasted zucchini, cucumbers, foccacia triangles, jicama, carrots and a bowl of hummus, had been changed. The waiter set before us hummus, carrots, cucumbers....and fancy potato chips. What? What happened to all the fresh veggies!? It had changed! We decided to give it a try, but were disappointed and knew it was more calories than our old platter. I didn't eat much of it, and ended up filling the sadness with french fries and ranch dressing. I went almost 800 calories OVER budget, and felt sick, full and sad. It didn't really hit me until bedtime, since that is the best time to have a meltdown. This is when I felt overwhelmed, sick, and like a failure.

Going over budget on food that makes you feel full and bloated is not the way to go. After I cried, Matthew simply reminded me that tomorrow is a new day and I have come too far to just give up. I composed myself and decided I would revisit the issue after a good sleep.

Sunday morning, we did start again. We went for a 2 mile run, which didn't feel too bad! I did my fastest mile so far (this month) and finished with a short sprint. I stayed under budget on my calories and was able to enjoy some pink jelly beans too!

I stayed under budget on Monday by staving off hunger with snacking on a banana and juicer juice between meals.

Tuesday, Matthew had the day off so we went for a 2.35 mile run through a fancy neighborhood in town.

We then ate a snack and did weight lifting at our apartment's gym. I started off being disappointed that there were only 5 lb and 10 lb weights...no 8 lb weights! I decided to start with the 5 lbs and see how I did. Psh. I am so weak. I was struggling through most of the exercises with 5 lbs. I couldn't even do a full set of lat raises...I needed 3 lb weights for those. So I did the exercises I could, 3 sets of 15 reps working my full body. We felt great afterwards and I had TONS of calories for the end of the day! I was able to enjoy a soy chai from Starbucks and ONE (had to use restraint) ONE homemade chocolate chip cookie at a friend's house. Stayed under budget again!

Today....I can hardly move. My back is so tight and my legs are super stiff. It is getting worse through the day and I start my 4 day work stretch tomorrow. Oh boy...

Today I only went a few calories over budget....so far...because I am trying to ignore my hunger pains as I am typing this. I ate too early. But I will make it through! With distraction and going to bed early.

So, I didn't quit. I quit for a moment in my mind, but pressed the reset button the next morning. And that's perfectly fine with me. Because every day is a new choice. No game overs here but rather unlimited lives like the special cheater codes in some video games.

So DON'T QUIT! Start again...each and every day! Have those melt downs, compose yourself and get back up stronger than before!

FOOD

I have come to understand why healthy people eat what they eat. They have to. There aren't enough calories allotted in the day for that mayo, that hamburger bun, that extra slice of cheese, let alone a delicious cupcake! I have really been working on fueling my body and eating filling things for less calories. Or, if I go out to eat or want dessert, I have to earn it. I HAVE to work out! It's difficult to keep up with, but I have lost 3 pounds so far. Slow, but I will continue to make progress!

Here are some fabulous meals I made recently including calories (as best I could)!

Veggie Burger (100)

Sandwich Thin (100)

Thin Cheddar cheese (45)

Lettuce (1?)

Ketchup, Mustard, Chipotle Tabasco (10)

Orange (60)

Chicken Breast With spice rub (150)

Green Beans (30)

Cilantro-Lime Quinoa (220)

Salad Toppings

Turkey (38)

Cheese (80)

Cucumber (4)

Light Greek Dressing (50)

Shredded Carrots (19)

Red and Yellow Peppers (12)

Lettuce (16)

Dried Cranberries (6)

Walnuts (14)

Cilantro (0)

Sandwich thin (100)

Lettuce (1)

Cucumbers (4)

Turkey (52)

Cheese (80)

Shredded Carrots (19)

Red Peppers (8)

Now it is much easier to fix your own food when the package tells you how many calories and what a serving size is. I am still struggling with eating out. We love to eat out and we can because we have it in our budget and don't have kiddos yet :) Thankfully my husband is willing to share with me so I eat less. Also, I went to Mongolian Grill and instead of getting meat and noodles like usual, I got a few noodles and TONS of veggies! And it was wonderful! I am trying to make eating out enjoyable but still make healthier choices!

And my healthy changes wouldn't be complete without a word on exercise. 

Ugh.

There, that is all. 

No, it really is hard to find the energy and motivation to work really hard and tire yourself out. I am still training for my 5K and finally forced myself to do 2 miles. They were very slow...please don't judge. But I didn't stop even though I whimpered and whined the entire time. My husband trotted backwards to face me and said, "Keep going. Don't look down, look up at the world. Stop whining." He is the only reason I finished because I wanted to die. I really want to be strong and healthy, it just seems impossible at times. I so desire to be able to enjoy running 4 miles. Or to do more than 6 manly pushups. I want it, but feel as though I will never get there....But I am not giving up. You better not either. We're in this together. Even if it's slow, it's better than nothing!

On a final note...The step challenge at work is over. I did it!! Thanks to forcing myself to at least walk every day, and the fact that work gave me 8,000-10,000 steps a shift. I am soo glad to be done with the silly click of the pedometer.

Road Trippin'

I just returned from a week long road trip to Colorado. It was a lot of fun and I took some fun pictures that I wanted to share. This is mostly a recap of the trip, with a few blurbs on eating...since that is why I am blogging.

Matthew and I set out on Friday morning and began the trek across Washington, Idaho and Montana. We bought some healthy snacks and packed two days worth of lunches in our cute new cooler. We bought oranges, almonds, bananas, and saltines for snacks. The first day, we stopped in Ellensburg and ate our homemade sandwiches with some Popchips (healthy but still an indulgence).

We listened to The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis on tape and finished in time to eat dinner in Missoula, Montana. Matthew was craving Chiptole, which is not present in Montana. However, we stumbled upon a place called Taco Sano which was actually very similar! We drove a little further and stayed the night in Bozeman, Montana.

The next day we set out to finish across Montana, down through Wyoming and onward to Denver, Colorado! We ate breakfast at the hotel and yogurt and granola for lunch. Our friends, Haley and Jesse were why we were going on this trip. They were in Montana for a wedding and were leaving Billings when we left Bozeman. We ended up catching up and meeting in Cheyenne, Wyoming for a dinner over burgers. We reached Denver late at night, got settled and prepared for our busy Sunday.

Jesse is the youth pastor at a Chinese Church and he asked us to play on the youth worship team for the service! It was a lot of fun to play new songs and some in Chinese. We all went out to Chipotle for lunch.

Then Haley, who is the children's pastor at an international church, and I went to gather kids for church that evening. After church, we all ate at Jesse's parents house and ate Buffalo! It was such a good meal and fun to feel like family and tell stories.

Monday we went snowshoeing in Loveland, Colorado. There was a slight slope we were treking down and realized a little too late that the way back was entirely uphill. We were so exhausted and our thighs were burning. I wanted to sit down and gasp "Leave me...save yourselves!" but I refrained. We rewarded ourselves with a scrumptious homemade Adobo chicken recipe. I managed to stay under calories, thanks to the 600 burned while snowshoeing!

Tuesday, Jesse had to work so Haley took Matthew and me to the Celestial Tea Factory in Boulder. We got a free tour and unlimited free samples of teas! It was a lot of fun and perfect for a snowy day. We bought some tasty new teas, my favorite of which is Bengal Spice!

We ate at a local Pho place and headed to downtown Denver. We looked at some shops but were so cold in the wind and 18 degree temps that we called it quits and headed home. It was snowing and very cold! My car got very dirty and had icicles on it. It also froze into this awful looking pattern. I will post a picture, but I can't look at it without getting goosebumps all over. It's all those microbiology classes....

We ate dinner at home and had a delicious taco soup and cookies! We then traveled through the snow to our respective dates...boys to Guitar Center and the girls to Bubble Tea! We played our speed games and enjoyed our girl time. I don't know what the boys were doing...but they didn't spend money or do anything else dangerous ;)

I was getting a little discouraged that I was going waay over my calorie budget as indicated by evil red numbers and bars on my iphone app. Matthew encouraged me and said, "It's vacation, do your best and we can get back on track when we get home." He was right. I was here to enjoy myself, my friends and my time away from work. Sometimes that involves food. I was still careful but did not obsess over it for the rest of the trip.

Wednesday morning we packed up and toured the nearby neighborhood. Little ramblers were being bought, torn down and having HUGE million dollar homes built in their place. This has been going on for years and years, so there are now more mansions than ramblers, but the ramblers still exist! We then met Jesse for lunch and ate Colorado Style Pizza. Colorado style? Big crust you pour honey on! Yes, I am serious and it was lovely. We then sadly said our good-byes and headed towards Salt Lake City, Utah.

We went through the passes of Colorado and much enjoyed the scenery. We didn't plan lunches as well as we did in the beginning of the trip. Oops. We crossed into Utah and headed to a hotel just outside of Salt Lake City. In the morning we drove through the city and then off to Nevada. We came across the salt flats. Water would evaporate and leave miles of salt. We stopped and took cool pictures.

We crossed into Nevada and listened to The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis. The trip across Nevada was pretty dry and long, so we welcomed the site of civilization when we hit Reno. We turned south and soon were at our destination of Minden, Nevada. We ate dinner with the Johnsons and got a quick tour of Minden. It was great to see and catch up with them as they have been so influential in both our lives. We stayed in a nearby hotel and headed home!

We drove through California and happened to stop for lunch at the ORIGINAL Black Bear Diner. We shared a yummy summer harvest salad with fresh and dry fruit. We also shared a tri-tip dip which was also super wonderful. We then drove through Oregon and ate granola bars for dinner. We reached home at 11 at night and collapsed into our bed.

It was a wonderful trip. We got to see beautiful scenery from 9 different states and catch up with our amazing friends. I went over on my calories, but at least I am aware of how much I am consuming when I am NOT trying to be conscious of my eating. It was interesting to see how much every food "costs" and how quickly it adds up. Now we return to our normal lives and I am back to eating healthy and getting fit!